I Feel Pretty
by Kitcat39
Summary: Lavi pulls a prank and it backfires. Humiliatingly. Crack ahead! Warning: crossdressing, idiocy
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man**

Chapter 1

Lavi was bored. Very bored. He almost wished that the Noah clan would invade, just to spice up the place!

"Boooooooored," he moaned, only to get smacked over the head by the old geezer. However, that smack knocked something loose in his head (probably his common sense), and he came up with a magnificent idea! He should prank someone! But who?

Lavi glanced contemplatively at Bookman for a moment, but shook his head. Old panda face would kill him. He stared off into the middle distance, ignoring Bookman's disturbed expression, and began to think.

He couldn't prank the Science Division, since they were extremely overworked and underpaid. Ditto for the Finders. He couldn't do anything to Komui, since the nut slept with an enormous power drill under his pillow. Or Lenalee, for that matter, because she was the reason Komui had that drill. That left Kanda and Allen, but Lavi treasured his head, so it would have to be Allen.

He began giggling maniacally as a plan shaped in his head, oblivious to the fact that Bookman was edging away from him slowly. It was the perfect prank! All he needed was the cover of darkness. And a sewing machine.

*•.•*•.•*

Lavi, still giggling maniacally despite the all-nighter he just pulled, sat in wait in the cafeteria. He gulped down his eighth cup of coffee that morning, ignorant of the rapidly growing circle of solitude that surrounded him. Not even Jerry would dare go near him.

Finally, footsteps echoed through the hall. Allen's footsteps. Lavi tried to stem his laughter, failing and snorting coffee up his nose in the process. He wiped laughter and pain-induced tears from eyes. This was gonna be great!

The footsteps came closer and closer, until they rang across the cafeteria. And in walked Allen. Wearing a dress. Well, technically it was an exorcist uniform with the detailing dyed bright pink and a matching ruffled skirt sewn on, but by Jove it looked like one!

Allen, an odd expression on his face, approached the giggly redhead and said, "Lavi, Komui says you modified all my clothes to look like this last night. . ."

Blast it! He had forgotten about the golems and their spying eyes! Now Allen was definitely going to murder him!

". . . and I'd like to say. . ."

Lavi clutched his mug to his chest, bracing himself for the oncoming storm.

". . . thank you! They're very nice!"

What?

"They are all so very pretty and comfy! They also are surprisingly well sewn. Why, I'd swear that a professional seamstress-"

"But they're dresses!" Lavi shouted, the mug shattering with the strength of his outburst, "They're girly clothes! And you're a guy!"

Allen stared blankly and replied, "So? Master Cross made me wear girl clothes."

A collective gasp resonated through the room. Allen sighed and continued, "My master would disguise me as a girl because it made me look more innocent and sympathetic, which made it easier to con people. Also, men are less likely to hit a girl."

The room was silent. Allen sighed again. "Oh, well. I'll be off then. I need to show Lenalee my new uniform!"

Allen skipped away, whistling a jaunty melody as he went. Lavi sat paralyzed for a moment, before faceplanting on the table, his face splashing into the pool of cooling coffee. He groaned pathetically.

"Oh Allen," he moaned into the lukewarm puddle, "Why do you make me look normal?"

"Because you're an idiot!" Bookman's voice thundered from the heavens, "And you have work to do!"

Lavi groaned again, only putting up a token struggle as he was dragged away from the table by his ear, shirtfront soaked through in a way he knew would stain terribly. And at that moment, that miserable, painful, coffee-scented moment, he swore that he would never pull a prank on anyone ever again!

Maybe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-Man**

Chapter 2

Lavi had made a mistake. Well, he had made many, many mistakes over the course of his life due to various circumstances that should never be mentioned in mixed company, but this one, though not the worst, was definitely the strangest. When he had pranked Allen by turning all of his clothing into frilly, girly things, he had expected him to freak out, not wear them! The problem was, he had been extra thorough in his prank. Every piece of clothing had been made into a dress, covered in lace and flowers, or fed to Timcanpy. The only things he hadn't touched were the undergarments, which Lavi was very grateful for now. Why? Because for two weeks running, Allen had been wearing the girl clothes, and having a blast doing so.

Lavi resisted the urge to slam his head against the wall as Allen walked into the library in yet another feminine outfit. He was dressed rather casually in a flowered blue blouse and matching white skirt that just barely skimmed the tops of his lace stocking-clad calves. The sight of it made Lavi want to die.

Determined to right the sin he had committed against manhood, he got up and started walking towards the kid, but was quickly intercepted by Lenalee and her Glare of Death. Oh yeah, he'd forgotten for a moment how most of the women, plus a good chunk of the stranger men, had all been encouraging Allen to try out his 'freedom of expression' as they put it, and they were keeping any 'negative influences' like Lavi away from him. He backed away slowly, hands raised up high in the international 'please don't murder me' gesture. She kept her gaze on him for another minute, before nodding her acceptance of his defeat. Lenalee then turned to Allen, the sweet innocent boy completely oblivious to the near homicide that occurred mere feet away from him, and began pleasantly chattering away. Lavi paled a bit when she handed the poor boy a necklace, which she then helped him put on. Allen seemed perfectly okay with it, like there was absolutely nothing with a male wearing a pink, heart-shaped locket. Of course, he also saw nothing wrong with wearing skirts, frills, hose, and everything unmanly! Lavi shivered a bit at what must have happened to the kid to make him so screwed up.

An irritated "tsk" came from behind him. He spun around and came face-to-face with Kanda. Lavi had no clue why the swordsman was in the library. Frankly, he wasn't even sure Kanda could read. However, from the grumpy look plastered across the man's face, Lavi doubted that asking would leave him intact.

Kanda tsked again and stated, "We have to stop this madness." Lavi followed the man's glare to Allen and Lenalee, who were chatting about. . . something or other, though odds were that it was something feminine, which was not good for the poor guy's still-developing manliness. Lavi looked at Kanda and gave him a single nod. A smirk spread across both their lips. It was indeed time to put a end to this madness.

.•*•.•*•.

Throughout the years, Lavi had claimed to be many things, ranging from being exceptionally brilliant (which he was), to being exceptionally great with the ladies (which no one so far had disproved). However, he had never claimed to be immune to idiocy. Which was why he was currently dangling from a rope outside of Allen's bedroom window with a large sack of clothes on his back while Kanda practically breathed down his neck, and he only had himself to blame. He had been the one to suggest the stunningly moronic idea of sneaking into Allen's room in the middle of the night to swap out his clothes with manly things, like leather jackets, combat boots, and ties with flames on them. Given, Lavi wasn't entirely to blame, since Kanda had agreed with him and done most of the more detailed sewing on the clothes, but it was still mostly his fault.

"Get a move on, idiot," Kanda growled, "My arms are cramping."

"Okay, okay, Mr. Grumpypants," Lavi muttered, earning him a smack on the head with Mugen. He lowered himself down to the window and glanced inside. He did a double take. If he wasn't clinging on to the rope for dear life he would have pinched himself, because there was no way that this wasn't a nightmare. Only in his darkest dreams could such a scenario as the one playing out before his eyes come into fruition. Lenalee was at the window, Allen's window, smirking evilly at him and waving a pair of shears in his face. He whimpered.

"L-L-Lenalee, f-fancy meeting you here!" Lavi stuttered.

Above him, Kanda tsked quietly and began shimmying back up the rope.

"Coward!" Lavi screamed at the rapidly fleeing figure, before turning back to Lenalee with a pleasant smile on his face. "So," he said nonchalantly, "How's it hanging?"

Lenalee's smirk intensified and she leaned out the window, giving Lavi a pretty fantastic look down her shirt. However, as the saying goes, it was too good to be true. He heard an ominous snipping noise, then suddenly he was in free fall, his hands still clutching the detached rope.

For a few seconds he stared dumbly at the rope as he fell, but then he put himself to much more important tasks, such as screaming, flailing, and crying. Of course, he then realized that he had a weapon capable of extending long enough to save his sorry ass, which he proceeded to use. He lowered himself to the ground, cheeks wet with what was clearly sweat and not tears from a mid-air crying jag. As he gazed upwards, he saw Lenalee give a teasing little wave before slamming the window shut. A single pair of pants, torn loose from the sack by the fall, fluttered down onto Lavi's head. And that was when the junior Bookman collapsed, the strain of the night hitting him so hard that he simply curled up on the clothing bag and fell asleep, dreams of further schemes dancing through his head.

.•*•.•*•.

Meanwhile, Kanda dragged himself onto the roof, every muscle in his upper body screeching in agony. He flopped on the blessedly solid surface and let out an enormous sigh. He was really, really lucky that Lavi had gone down first. Falling several stories to the unforgiving ground below was definitely not a sensation he wanted to feel again. The redheaded idiot was probably dead though, which was a shame. He wanted to have been able to kill the stinking rabbit for roping him into the screeching train wreck of reason that was the supposed genius's plan

Kanda was interrupted from his homicidal thoughts by footsteps. He didn't bother opening his eyes, since it was probably just some Science Division flunkie taking advantange of the clear night to do some astronomy. He couldn't have been more wrong. He felt a dart stab him in the neck, followed by the sick woozy sensation of sedatives. He was out in seconds, only able to register the shrill chuckle of Allen before succumbing to unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-man**

Chapter 3

Lavi stumbled into the cafeteria the morning after The Incident looking like he'd been punched in the face by the Grim Reaper himself. Spending an entire night sleeping on a lumpy sack of clothing after nearly falling to your death does that to a person. He glared sleepily across the hall at Lenalee, who gave him a cheery wave and returned to her breakfast. Next to her, Allen was chowing down on his usual morning food mountain while wearing a red pleated skirt and a fluffy pink sweater covered in hearts. Lavi sat beside him and plucked a piece of toast from the pile to munch on while thinking up ideas on how to make his dear white-haired friend into a man again. Suddenly, the room fell eerily silent. Everyone's eyes went to the doorway. Lavi, wondering what the fuss was about this time, turned towards the entrance, still chewing on his toast. The sight that greeted his eye nearly made him inhale his breakfast.

There, angrily walking into the cafeteria, was Kanda. Wearing a dress. Lavi, dazed at the sight of the most terrifying exorcist in the order cross-dressing, noted that it was in fact a rather nice dress. It was a knee-length pinafore dress in a rather fetching shade of dark lavender with a crisp white blouse underneath. He was even wearing tights, and a pair of shiny black mary janes to boot! Everyone in the dining hall watched in dumbstruck terror as Kanda stomped to the counter to retrieve his soba noodles before stomping over to Lavi's table. Lavi scooched over a bit to avoid being whacked by Kanda's tray as the man flopped on the bench. Close up, Lavi noticed that the blouse had little yellow daisies embroidered on the collar. He would have started laughing hysterically if the man wearing it didn't look like he would murder him in cold blood if he so much as giggled.

"Good morning, Kanda," Lenalee said with a voice as sweet as poisoned candy, "How do you like the outfit I picked out for you?"

Kanda growled at her. Like, literally growled, like a wolf or some breed of big cat. Lavi scooted a little farther down the bench, very concerned that his short-fused friend would start tearing out throats with his bared teeth. However, at that moment Kanda moved his head to the side, and Lavi saw it. Attached to his usual hair tie, sparkling merrily against the backdrop of his flowing black locks, was a hair clip. It was shaped like a daisy, almost identical in appearance to the design on his shirt collar, with a tiny, glittery yellow rhinestone in the middle and silky purple ribbons trailing down from it. It looked absolutely ridiculous, like something a little girl would wear while pretending to be a pretty pretty princess. A quiet chuckle slipped through his lips before he could stop it.

Kanda's head whipped around, an expression of pure, unadulterated rage adorning his features. Cold eyes as dark as the deepest chasm in the ocean gazed upon Lavi. He looked deeply into them and saw no mercy, nor any other soft, human emotions that might cause the wrathful being before him to spare his pitiful life. Lavi froze as if hypnotized for a moment before the sound of a sword being unsheathed rang through the unnaturally silent hall. With that, Lavi shook himself out of his stupor and ran like the cowardly genius he was.

His exit strategy was simple. He sprinted to the window, opened it wide, and jumped right out. Yeah, in retrospect that was an extremely stupid thing to do, especially since the door was within running distance, but the presence of a murderous Kanda tended to significantly cloud one's thoughts. So, for the second time in less than a day, Lavi was in free fall. This time however, he immediately used his Innocence, because it is truly amazing how quickly one can get used to falling to their death due to cross-dressing shenanigans gone awry.

As he lowered himself to the ground, he began analyzing the situation. His one ally against unmanliness, Kanda, had been either forced or coerced into wearing women's clothing. Allen had apparently switched sides and joined forces with Lenalee, judging by her presence in his room the night before. Lavi desperately needed someone on his side, but he couldn't think of anyone who would help him. Lenalee was one of the most powerful people in the Order. She had her brother, the Chief Officer and Head of the European Branch, wrapped around her little finger. She had also tricked everyone into believing that she was naught but a sweet, harmless young woman who would never be capable of doing anything that could ever be construed as evil. Though Lavi had fallen for her ruse before, he now knew better. He had seen the glint of sadistic glee in her eyes as she sent him tumbling down the side of the tower. She had to be stopped at all costs, before her girly army put an end to masculinity as they knew it!

Lavi mentally ran through several plans of action as his feet touched sweet, solid ground and he began the slow trudge to the Order's front door. Every single one had to be discarded though, since they all ended in his untimely demise. Well, all but one. There was only one course of action that could be taken without risking life and limb, and, god help him, he had to try it. He just hoped he could still look his friends in the eye after all was said and done. Either way, he wasn't getting out of this with his dignity intact.

Lavi strode into the Order with a new sense of purpose and a manic gleam in his eye. He strolled through the halls until he came to his and Bookman's room. Flinging the door open, he made a beeline for the table where the sewing machine he had stolen from Johnny lay waiting for its next task. Bookman, who was organizing the piles of books, gave him a sidelong glance.

"Lavi, are you about to do something stupid again that will probably have absurd and unpredictable consequences?" Bookman asked as he sorted through a stack of seventeenth century medical almanacs.

"Yes, Gramps," Lavi replied, his face splitting into a mad grin, "Yes I am."

Bookman sighed and kept working, all the while pondering whether he would be able make himself scarce the next day. Surely there was something or another that could keep him away from the Order for a day or so. Given the way his apprentice was cackling while staring covetously at the sewing machine, it would be for the best to get as far away as possible before all hell broke. Besides, China was quite lovely this time of year, and it would be a shame not to go visit as soon as possible.x


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-man**

**AN: Well, this is the last chapter. I hope you all enjoyed my first successful attempt at a long(ish) fic. Thanks for reading!**

Later that day at dinner, Lenalee picked at her spaghetti bolognese and wondered where Lavi had gone off to. She hadn't seen him since he had jumped out the window during breakfast. She had even asked Bookman where the redhead was, but the old man just muttered something about idiocy and Beijing before returning to his room to pack a suitcase. Lenalee would have been worried that the moron had actually died falling out the window, but he hadn't died the first time, so he was probably okay.

Lenalee was interrupted from her reverie by Kanda's angry stomping footsteps. He slumped onto the seat beside her and immediately dug into his soba noodles, barely sparing her a hateful glare. He was still wearing the outfit she had forced him into, though she could spot a few places where it had been torn and dirtied. Well, boys will be boys. Besides, that meant she could play dressing doll with him later. Allen sat down on her other side, wearing a different sweater than he put on that morning, since he had gotten the first one dirty while training. She hadn't even told him to change, which meant she had trained him well in the ways of femininity.

Suddenly the room fell quiet. Again. The Black Order HQ hadn't seen so many awkward silences since her big brother had 'accidentally' spilled truth serum in the baths. The silence was broken when someone yelled, "Not again! What the hell is this, a drag bar?!"

The sudden outburst drew Lenalee's eyes to the entrance, the sight of which caused her to spit-take a mouthful of milk all over Allen's new sweater. There, awkwardly hovering by the doorway, was Lavi. Wearing a dress. Well, on closer inspection it wasn't actually a dress. It was actually a forest green plaid skirt tastefully paired up with an emerald-colored cardigan and a modest cream camisole that perfectly matched his stockings. If not for the pair of muddy combat boots that stuck out like a fox in a hen house, it would have been a modest yet refined outfit that Lenalee herself would enjoy wearing on one of her few days out. Even Lavi's headband had been replaced by a length of satiny ribbon in almost the exact same shade as his one visible eye.

When he reluctantly started walking into the cafeteria, Lenalee noticed something worthy of another spit-take. Lavi was wearing makeup. Not anything gaudy, just some pale pink lipstick, blush, and an attempt at eyeliner, but it was enough to make her wonder if her idiotic mad scientist of a brother had accidentally sent her into a parallel universe.

Lavi caught Lenalee's gaze and strode towards her with a determined gleam in his outlined eyes. Without a word, he sat across from her, spread his arms wide to show off his new outfit, and asked, "So, what do you think?"

"Very nice," Lenalee commented, her fashionista instincts taking over automatically, "Green is a great color for you, and I admire your use of cream as a neutral. However, I feel that a bolder lip color would suit you better, in a shade of red or perhaps coral, and the combat boots have got to go."

Lavi blinked at her, shocked at her reaction. "Combat boots are the only shoes I had."

"Well, we will definitely have to fix that," Lenalee stated, before addressing the elephant in the room, "By the way, why are you cross-dressing? You seemed to strongly object to the idea just this morning."

Lavi grinned, baring his teeth like a rabid fox. "If you can't beat them, join them, am I right?"

Alarms bells went off in her head. It took her barely a second to piece it all together. "You were planning to shock me with your appearance and run away with Allen while I was distracted, weren't you?" she asked, watching him carefully as she sipped at her milk.

The look on Lavi's face told her everything she needed to know. Lenalee clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "Do you really think so little of me, Lavi? Not to insult your intelligence or anything, but a concussed Komlin could think up something better than that."

Lavi stared at her with a look that was equal parts disappointment and indignation. Lenalee chose to ignore him, devoting her attention to her dinner instead. Soon the hall was filled with the sounds of clinking forks and idle chatter. A little after that, Allen and Kanda were called to Komui's office to prepare for a mission, leaving her alone with Lavi. At that point she looked up from her spaghetti bolognese only to see Lavi still staring at her, not having seemed to have so much as twitched.

As Lenalee went back to her meal, determined to pack in as much of the delicious food as she could, girlish figure be damned, when Lavi abruptly stood up, slammed his hands on the table, and screamed, in a rather high-pitched and squeaky manner, "WHYYYYYYY?"

She dropped her fork. This apparently signaled for the redheaded lunatic to go into a full-blown rant.

"Why are you making Allen and Yuu wear those stupid girly things? They're men, dammit! Why are you trying to make them into women? Aren't there some other girls you can go play dress-up doll with? It's freaking embarrassing, to them and to everyone who has to look at them! WHY?!"

Lenalee stared at Lavi. The dining hall had fallen quiet, the silence only broken by the redhead's panting, being out of breath after his half-screamed speech. She looked down at her dinner plate, not wanting to look her friend in the eye.

"I'm sorry," she said, eyes still downcast, "It's just, there aren't any girls my age around here. Actually, I've never had any friends that were girls. I'm not saying that you and Allen and Kanda aren't great, but you're all guys, so it's different. I guess I wanted to feel what it was like to have female friends to talk about clothes, jewelry, and all that other stuff that you guys don't really care about with."

Lenalee looked up, feeling the beginnings of a tear welling up in her eye. Lavi had the most shocked expression on his face. The sight of it almost made her giggle.

"I'm the one who should be sorry," Lavi muttered, refusing to meet her gaze, "I didn't think of that, and I'm a Bookman. I'm supposed to think of everything."

Lenalee smiled at him as he nervously tugged at his hair ribbon. She stood up and patted him on his cardigan-clad shoulder. "It's okay Lavi, apology accepted. You can go put on some pants now."

Lavi frowned thoughtfully, before he looked her in the eye and grinned. "Or we could go to your room and give each other makeovers, or whatever it is girls do."

Lenalee laughed, surprised and happy at this turn of events. She shifted her hand to his elbow and steered him to the exit, practically skipping with joy as Lavi stumbled after her. When his back was turned to her, her smile melted into a smirk. She wondered what Lavi would look like in a corset and petticoats.

Lavi saw the smirk, but didn't comment. He was her friend after all, and friends apparently cross-dress to make each other happy. It wasn't like he had much masculine pride left after the incident with the Eliade akuma and the emotionally sensitive carnivorous flowers, after all. Besides, the breeze around his privates was oddly enjoyable. He should wear skirts more often!

.•*•.•*•.

Several miles from the Black Order HQ, on a ship headed east, Bookman felt the irresistible urge to beat his head against the mast. He rested it in his hands instead, sighing deeply. He didn't know why, but he was struck by the sudden awareness that his moronic apprentice was doing something stupid.

"Idiot," he muttered, kneading his forehead. He just prayed that the Black Order would still be standing when he came back.


End file.
